Sigh.. i wonder why i become like this again....so frustrating... i suppose expecting from myself and expecting from others is really 2 different things.... i tend to expect a lot from others... i suppose i am trying to expect more from myself... so tiring... somemore sometimes i think i'm really not up to it.....plus i cant talk to anyone else other than the person being involved........ aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
this is very bad... a bad time to be moody... a bad time to have headache... a bad time to be having toothache... monday exam liao leh....... how sia.... very bad....sigh
say fro example... an old friend of mine come up to me.... and said..."shintya... i'm having cancer... and its at the last stage... here's the medical report to back it up...i've been in love with u for so long..and just for the last few months of my life... or maybe weeks... will u be my girlfriend?"
as a friend.. if u know wad i'm going through wad would u advise me to do? tho i know wad i'll have to do la.... he is not someone i know for a day right? i wont want to be his girlfriend la.... even if he's dying... if i know i'm doing it out of pity wad would be the point.... he is dying la... i can accompany him...hold his hand... goes through tt period n give him support.... as a friend... tts about it wad... i maybe heartless u say... bt why would he want me to pretend to love him when its nt there to begin with....
of course when after tt it actually came to light tt he is lying to u just so tt he can have u as his gf... had i accepted it.. i'm an idiot...(tho i know i am in other things)...plus which dumbo would actually like being with someone whom they know dont love them... as in... even if i become his gf.... he knows i dont love him.. he may appreciate it...but i am sure he wont be happy ba...and if i am in this with him and i LIE saying I love him n wad nots tt very horrible of me right? which side of my horribleness will u prefer? since both also horrible wad... i rather choose the first n not get involved or anything...... tho i suppose some people will actually see it as sweet... tt someone is willing to go through tt extent of lying... (????) so tt they can be with the one tt they love...(i suppose tt'll be sweet if the other person loves u also wor.... then tts sweet...) too much drama la u all........
but i think i talked too much today... having this moodiness looming all over since yesterday is really bad., tts why i said i rather not talk when i'm moody...coz once i start talking i wont be able to control myself.. and i suppose with tt kind of tone people can take a joke as an offend.... and................
i cannot take it when pple say... i've been through this so i cant trust u coz i see n hear u acting like that person..its hard to trust again.. true tt tt is not comparing me with him... but i rly take tt as an offend la..like wad are u trying to say... i'm tt horrible or sth? i am a female!!! if i'm tt similar then dont get involved with me la....... what the heck... not tt i dont need u to be around but... i rather nt than having to live under tt shadow.... tt shadow that when i start talking back a little (i dont take tt as talking back.. i was fooling around...) its like i am behaving like her... aiyoya... i feel like saying...Have a little faith in me... Bt i was so pissed liao just kept quiet... if i start defending myself i think the conclusion will be i am tt person liao......kinda sad in tt sense... i tot he would be able to understand.... tot if i do start behaving tt way she'll tell me... tt if i got lost then she'll help me find the right path... i suppose i am expecting a bit too much... and watched anime or read comics on friendships too much...(like rave master...one piece.... and kingdom hearts)... then again.. maybe she was saying tt to correct me n not have me behaving like tt... but cant trust..... ouch... wad am i.. dartboard?
"The light will guide you through your darkness...But dont fear the dark... Coz they'll be your guide in the brightest light" --Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
