Friday, November 10, 2006
I'm chocked~~~someone help me breathe~~~~
Apart from my blog... truth be told... i dont go curhat-ing to anyone... coz.. in a way.. i dont want them to see my weakness.. dont want others to see my tears.. and i never want others to get involved and think tt my parents are baddies... or in any other sense think tt i am weak for not being able to handle the matter~~~ so~~~ actually ya~~ i most to most tell others tt i am quarreling with my mom but tts about it.. i dont talk details.. details is only out in my blog,. but my mom thinks i am "perengek" thinks i love it when people took pity on me.. thinks i love it when people pamper me... i'll love it when the person who does it to me is someone i love.. if it any other.. or even a friend~~ trust me.. i actually finds it offending.. (note.. friends.. not close friends)
it really makes me wonder again n again~ just how far do they think they know me? how far do they want me to change? do they realise they do me damage? sometimes.. angst get the better of me.. i know when it comes down to it.. i am very very very bad at controlling my angst.. but~ who roused them? fine i am not gonna point fingers... but when something bad happens~~ it never is 100% the fault of one party.. the other party must've contributed to it.. and tt is how i learn to apologise...coz I know that I must've provoked something tho I think wad I did was right..... (hee! does tt answer ur question darling shanny? hahahahaha!)
Now I think I kind of realise wad my mom wants me to be.. simple lah.. i just treat her as one of my friend~~~ like i said.. if its my friend who nags at me i couldnt care less... and i am not so angsty towards my friends? and i am not so demanding from my friends? neither am i so expectant that they will understand me? At least now I know that my parents can never understand me... it just hurts sooooo much~~~ that the person who understands me most.. is none from my immediate family? I wonder if there is yet a person who understands me fully actually.. wahahahaha!!!
And I cannot really talk to anyone~~~ Shanny.. Dont want to confuse her.. LOL! she's so young.. I mean... I trust my mom wouldn't want her to be like me.. neither do i want her to go through wadever i am going through la.. LOL! My bro~~~ he disappear la k.. I completely have no idea where he is or wadever he is doing.. If my SMS doesnt contain the word WOW he will never reply to me..
And sometimes.. U know I just feels like blaming everything onto him~~ If he is around.. mom's focus wouldnt be fully on me.. her attention would be divided.....If he's not to into his christianity mom wouldnt tie me down so much in terms of religion or feng shui or palm reading or wadever tt is... If he's ready to come back anytime they wouldnt pile their wishes or wadever burden on me.. and why izzit that he can have wadever he want however he wants it n i cant? One thing tho....If he is just around by my side to support me I'll go through anything at all.. No one is here to support me now? It is so hard to move on? It is so hard to swallow everything? It is even hard to listen to them... It is... I dunno la... I mean I will not want to turn to my friends about this matter? It will only make things worst.. that why I need my siblings.. but~~ who can I turn to?? Don't worry if u happen to read this kor.. I am not blaming you.. I just wish u are here... I really do~~ I never miss you as much as I am missing you now~~~ (note.. support not as in to support my point of view.. but be there when I take all these naggings... but be there... dont need to do anything.. ur presence is enough.. just like when shanny was around just now on the computer table.. it gave me enough strength to last those naggings.....)
I can tahan wadever I was feeling just now coz my sis was around? I know she must've been feeling so confused by my complaints also just now.. I didnt wish to confuse her anymore tts why I held everything in.. Now they all went in I cannot stop my tears anymore.. I cannot stop anything tts chocking my own thoat now..
Does she know how many sleepless nights I spent thinking of wadever she said about me? Does she know why my blanket alwaes smells sour? ( I complained tt my blanket was smelly in hope she notices.. but blah.. yah.. its sour coz of tears n ingus.. LOL! i know it sounds disgusting so dont mind me Lol!!!) She said she meant well... but all I know right now she's killing me... It is for my own good huh... why cant you open your eyes before u say its for my own good? U took the only person who can support me away from me... Now? You keep pressing me down.. surpressing everything.. taking everything that i am away from me.. I feel so naked la seriously... And I admit.. I am alwaes stronger when I have someone around.. When I have someone or when I do things for others..... I've said it before and I'll say it again.. I am not born in this world to be alone.. Neither do I want to be alone...
I love them all.. I really do.. And I suppose they do also la.. But if this is the way they express their love I rather not have it.. I really dont... They built this jail around me.. No you shouldnt befriend this guy.. No I shouldnt befriend that guy.. No you shoudnt go out with him,. No you shouldnt do this.. No you shouldnt do tt.. Give me a break? I know wad is reality.. I know wad is not.. I may day-dream A Lot.. doesnt mean I dont know anything.. I may speak rubbish but I am not one...I know what I am doing and I clearly know what I want... But you will never let me have my way and will never let me have what i want.. I cant do anything now can I? After all I am at your mercy...
I can no longer see your point of view.. The day I agreed to let go for your sake... I kinda regret it... Coz U ask for more.. and more n more.... I am so scared now can~~~ I am so scared I'll end up being like her.. Alwaes so unhappy.. alwaes not satisfied? Alwaes remembering the bad but never the good? but~~ live goes on right? If I do end up like her... nothing I can do anywae~
"Life will be so beautiful if you just remember that your mom cooks for you...wash your clothes for you.... and if you can just forget all her naggings.. right? Life will be so beautiful if you just remember your mom works so hard to prepare the home so you can come home to a nice place and if you can just forget she's so demanding right? Put yourself in her shoes.. If you have to stay at home 7 days a week.. With no one to talk to but just the four walls most of the time? Your youngest daughter is busy with school work? Your other daughter just dont seem to like to come home and is out most of the time? Your favourite son dont know disappear to where and is just simply too far to reach.. How would You feel? Sure she has the choice to go out.. But.. put yourself in her shoes.. and u'll be able to see a lot of thing you never expect to see before."
[I just wish my parents will stop thinking how bad my friends or the community are.. and stop criticizing them as n when they likes it.... coz one thing i know.. I am blessed with people who's around me.. they help me see things I can never see.. and most of the time they side with my parents instead of siding me.. how cool is that? So.. trust me.. it hurts so much when she said things about the people around me... hurts soooo soooooo sooooooo much~~~and please.. stop taking people away from me]
she told
the story ...
01:14
