Tuesday, September 19, 2006
to Shan!
duh loe tuh gemana sih... how should i put it.. i know u told mom about it out of goodwil.... tp loe tau ngga.. some things are just not meant to be said.. klo jie jie kasi tau dia geto for the fact tt jie jie pergi east coast.. what do u think she'll ask next? pegi sama siapa kan? if i say i go alone.. loe pikir dia percaya ngga? when it is the fact tt i go there on my own la... bt loe pikir itu mala bikin dia tamba percaya ama jie2 ato mala makin ngga percaya??
for one thing nih ya.. i lie nt becoz i want to.. i lie becoz i dont want her to become wad she became yesterdae... gile.. nyokap ndiri nih ya.. jie2 takut tau ngga sih ama dia.. takut bgt.. prasaan yg neriakkin jie2 tuh bukan mama.. tp some insane person.. coz wadever she said doesnt make sense at all..
i tell u wad i think of mom la k? i think mom has a little of this pychological problem.. jgn kasi tau dia gile... i think loe bkl di cekek kali.. jie2 kasi tau dia kmaren... prasaan mama tuh paranoid bgt geto.. gile.. jiejie masa di ancem mo dicekek... namanya saya sih peduli amat tp syerem... makanya... i am going out not bcoz i want to provoke anyone.. i want to find my own air.. i need air~ just to clear my head... not to run away from anyone.. gile... if i dont find air tt night ah.. i tell u i'll go nuts by now.. loe baca entry jiejie yg ari sunday sblom mama ngomel2 itu.. sounds like some nutty woman dunno wad she's doing tt kind right?? even if i tell mom all this ah.. she cannot understand.. i told her all these yesterdae when she was so frantic la.. masa dia mala bilang jadi nih rumah nih prison geto? jadi loe ngga senenk mama ada di sini? cepet cepet aja mama pegi mati? see... its this kind of thinking tt she has ah.. i cannot take it...
gemana ya jelasin nya... i cannot turn a deaf ears to this kind of remarks la.. tts basically it.. kmaren tuh mama ngomelin jie2 i got into a depression k? makanya monday's entry sounds so down like tt..bt now.. i suppose i've found myself la.. tersera la mama mo gemana.. if she really think i am so wrong just by being me so be it.. dia bilang cuma tuhan yg tau wad are my sins so be it.. if i am to be in hell after this since she cursed me to be.. so be it... LOL! i sounds like some woman who gave up in life like tt.. LOL! it is definitely not nice to be in a depressed state la k.. everything tt goes into the head is really so wrong like tt..illogical thinking like wanting to die and not wanting to eat and not wanting to do anything just do wadever she said.. it alwaes pops up in my head la k.. but di pikir pikir lage.. not worth it leh.. this is my life after all.. klo mank i did something super duper wrong things.. i will realize.. i am not some stupid woman la..
and one more thing.. yes.. i lie a lot to mom.. but do i lie to anyone else? one question k~ klo mank i like to lie.. why do i only lie to mom? why dont i lie to u also.. lie to koko lie to anyone else in my life la basically.. i only lie to mom... coz i really dont want to see tt frantic side of her.. i hide it from her coz i dont want her to go like tt la basically.. it's really scary de leh... i dunno how to explain myself la.. she sees it as a sin.. i find it its only my right if i want to hide things from her.. even if i tell her..will tt improve the situation? will she approve of wad i do? or will she make me go through hell n make me depressed instead? its clear tt its the 2nd la right? so.. depends on how u see it la.. i am hiding things i want to hide.. to hide i lie.. tts it... i dont really see it as a sin.. when mom is more stable and is able to accept me for who i am.. trust me.. i'll really open up to her.. HAHAHAHA!
OKAI! on the lighter not~ YESTERDAE WAS SO FUN!! jon's sooooooooooooooooo cutttteeeeee!!! gragh! and one thing unforgettable.. was when he yawned while doing his hair.. CUTE! and another thing... when he sang... when he saaaang... i died.. especially after the in the air one.. i died! LOL! and when he did tt... i dunno wad its called in sg..."kiss-to-you-by-the-hand" thingy~ towards us... I FAINT! lol!!!!! okai fine.. i am really a nutty one.. HAHAHAHA! gelo.. so cccuuuuteeee! he's cool when he took the stage.. but super duper cute when he's off stage... hweeeeee!
and to the yous out there who helped me.. thank u very much... dont worry.. i know u peeps are not siding my mom... it all makes sense la.. bt.. i dunno.. there are still things tt she said tt i cannot accept.. there are things tt she do tt she thinks is right tt i cannot accept.. there are still a lot of things tt i cannot accept la.. i am really not doing anything to agitate her.. cant she see it tt i am doing it for myself? its like.. dotz? i really do need time for myself too u know.. true tt u said she love me so she is like tt.. bt.. tts scary k.. she's scaring me off instead of showering tt love to me.. why izzit tt she cant be honest to herself.. goodness sake dont want me to go out also say nicely la.. need to say i am making excuse just becoz i want to be out meh? u guys know me la... if i am to stay at home i can.. its not tt i dont want to or wad either... just tt.. aiyo.. cant she do something about her delivery of words not... scary de leh... oh... sorry.. didnt mean to blabber on.. LOL! thank u thank u thank u thank u thank u! no amount of thank u would be enough bt thanx anywae! LOL!
she told
the story ...
13:41
