Midnight Silhouette

Sunday, May 29, 2005

so... wad can i say? i am seriously confused.. haha and actually i dun really wanna blog this down but i think.. i gotta pour it somewhere lol! otherwise i become like jasper... (bottle up everything then go toilet n start laughing n bang his hands on the wall at the same time.. hehex)

lets just say that.. i am living in fear~ not the fear of losing him as a boyfriend.. am afraid of loing his.... i dunno wads tt word.. LOL! okai.. lets just say... i dont mind him opening up to other people.. in fact i gotta say i am glad tt he opens more... somehow there's a sting of sadness tho.. still remembered when i first gotta met him... he was tt person who doesnt open up nor talk to others...he said i was the one who made him opens up to others... well.. i think tt is perhaps so but i gotta say he is originally noisy already lah~! lol! thing is.. i know he doesnt talk to me whenever he feels tt there's something wrong with me...(eg when we quarrel he thinks i am wrong he'll tell tt to others) i want him to tell me about it.. and now tt he has more friends... i believe he'll start to confide in others instead of me... and tts wad i am fearing.. and tt is why i am feeling he is moving further away from me day by day~~~

gotta say.. if i know his friends and he want to spend more time with them i can tag along u see...hence i feel alright with him opening up to others... however.. once he starts to look for people from his past and spend time with them i gotta say the fear withing me is growing stronger like no body's business.... how do i put it? its becoz i dunno them i suppose... it seems like he's reliving his past he's enjoying everybit of them.... it was just like when i first got to know rae... i really felt like.. "omg.. there's actually so much i dunno bout han' and hence i know there are not everything tt han can talk to me about ae? hahaha and really... when there's someone new tt hops in han's life tt i dunno about... (to me they r new to han they are not new at all) i just got fidgety all over.. lol!

and i aint feeling like this becoz i dont trust han enough or sth.. its just like... when abe came~ shoore that han let me meet abe on his first day... coz anywae it was chinese new year... but after i wanted to meet abe again so tt he can pass me the shirt he owes me.. han is reluctant on letting me go.. aint he? in fact i know he dont want me to go n meet him at all... right? tts what i am feeling... when i talk about abe... han most of the time either cut it short or at times not interested at all... i know i am the one who requested to know everything and everything about han... and i am glad tt he opens up to me.. but it stings everytime he talks about her or anyone at all tt is important to him in the past...(no not u rae.. hehehe) i cant explain why.... and i think it hurts even more when he said " be her friend la!"..... its like.. can he be abe's friend? there's just sth tt's not right to me.... it really chokes me.. (especially when i told him she has a bit of similarity to michelle and he reacts like tt).. it really makes me think... i trust him... i believe in him.. mayb not enough? i dunno~ seriously... in terms of looks... i personally think tt michelle is superior (to me lah) its just her attitude tt sux to the core... so imagine when he said tt michelle is plain n 'she' is so much better... *heard my stomach churns???* haha yea i should have more confidence in myself.. but this is how i feel.. and i dunno how i should have more confidence in me when i am like tt.. hahaha! (okai i think i am beginning to talk in riddles.. hahaha) and anyway i never ever had a confident in me... khekhe!

i care about everything tt han would feel.. i tot tt han is still used to be the way he was... tt he dont want me to mix with other guys... i dont want him to feel wad i felt so anywaey i stop being real close to a guy friend.. ( my definition of a guy friend really has change)... i dont want him to feel like tt so i stop i stop i stop.. tts all i can do.. and when he gets close to other girls.. i keep on telling myself.. he needs a friend to.. let him have his friend.. dont tie down his social life.. he can go on having girls as his friend.. i dont want to bind him or anything.. i really dont... he should do wadever he want to do... but i seriously dont like it when he gets physically close to another..who'd like it...and it hurts so much when i know he rather be talking to others than to talk to me or sth like tt lah.... and when he says tt " so now i cannot get close to another girl friend ah?? i cannot have another friend ah??" (i know he moz prob said it coz he's angry but..) then wad am i doing? why am i considering everything and in the end become like this yet now i am being shot at.... no i dont want him to become like me hence i tolerate it when he's u know.. getting to know someone else whom i dont know better.... then again when he said he dont want me to feel like tt so he'll cut out his friendship with others.. tt hurts me too.. coz tts wad i am now.. and i know how painful it is to be hanging onto someone dearly until like tt... contradicting i am right? i dunno what to do now... really... seriously.. haiz~ restless i am.. hopeless i am.. and now i'm just lost.. hahaha even when i want to be friends with others more n all... i'd think about han.. think tt it's prolly better not... i dont want him to feel jealous like i did then again i think he wouldnt even feel it.. i dunno.. haha (honestly.. when han wasnt wanting me to see abe.. i was glad to a certain extend... glad to know tt han at least still is loving me.. lol! i mean if i am to see abe and han just say.. "okai go.." then i think there's really something wrong...) and tts how i'm feeling right now.. wrong.. haha oh well..(riddles again) ( and sometimes i wonder.. am i not enough to be his gal friend? lol! okai obviously the answer will be NO i suppose.. hohoho)

really now i feel like i'm just a wandering ghost.. everything i wanna do will i know just turn out to be wrong.. i cant do this coz later hurt him.. i cant do tt coz i dont want him to be lonely like me.. so wad can i do? i am really lost as of now... i hope i can find the answer soon.. but i think i'll be lost forever... haha.... *sigh* (din wanna blog about this coz scared han got angry but wadever lah.. i need to get it out too..)

she told the story ... 22:57