Midnight Silhouette

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

haiz~~ well mom called today.. and i just can't believe my ears!!!! sigh.. sometimes i wonder really... izzit really tt bad tt i wanna stay in sg???
*warning* this entry is a tad longer than the rest

ok... kor handy ah!!!! u know the reason why i decided to stay didnt u? i told u why i wanted to stay in singapore right?? even tho its a single reason and u think that i shouldnt stay coz of a single reason but you knew right??? why did u tell mom and in the end added fuel to the fire!? haiz... and its not like u dont know me at all or something... true that until weeks ago i was still doubtful on where i should be.. perhaps if u had told mom to talk to me then i would've been convinced.. but not after i talked to u and told u that i want to stay... in the end mom is full of question marks and keep on asking me things that i dont want to talk to her about.. for one thing i told u that i kept my relationship with han behind mom's back coz she disapproves of him! and everytime she asks me bout him all i can do is lie and lie and lie for the fear of wadever she and dad can do! ... if u think that i lie without even feeling the guilt u are wrong loh.. and just now she was really pushing me to the limits ah.. i dont want to lie even more than wad i did ah... and the more she pushes the more i retaliate.. *sigh*

really... i cannot decide where i will go if u ask me the question this minute, this hour, this day, this month, this year.. i cant! all i know right now i dont want to leave singapore.. i dont want to waste this relationship.. no matter how unrealistic i go i definitely dont want to let the relationship go.. sure we might not even make it a few years down the road.. all i know right now i wanna live this days with him thats why i am his gf right now aint i?? dont tell me u are with urs now bcoz u can b sure tt she's the right one for u? yes i am not too sure whether he is the right one for me for year to come but for now he is more than enough to me.. and u were the one who told me before.. whereever we are education can always be pursued... and in sg i dun think da education level is tt bad right? its just the life style and i admit i hate sg's fast paced life.. but i dun think i'm gonna sacrifice wad i hold dear just to have a more laid back situation...

u can tell me boyfriend go australia can find.. who knows better somemore.. but i dunno la~ i really dunno how to explain to me.. there's no one i long for other than him.. at least for now.. and for the months to come.. u cannot read into the future right? if something were to happen to me and him along the way.. i'll say my say n leave sg at tt point of time.. nothing is ever too late for education right?? but in the case of relationship.. once let go there's no turning back.. oh.. how to make u understand tt really... u know once i leave sg.. the chances as me returning is pretty slim... even when u are around in singapore.. how many times have i, mom and dad visited singapore?? even when the 2 of us are in sg.. how many times did they actually come?? u think without u.. without me in singapore anymore.. they'll ask us to take a holiday to singapore? no i dont think so.. i know mom.. she'll tie at least me to indo.. and i know how badly she want me in indo.. not tt i blame her really.. she needs time with us too.. but did u see the point tt long distance relationship won't work??

so u tell me that we have to b prepared for changes and move on when its time to.. i agree with that.. and i am open to changes.. but not in this kind of changes? its not like i am stuck here in singapore and cant do a single thing about education.. the changes u are asking me to take is tt.. sacrifice the relationship and go to adelaide for my education.. cant i do it in sg? i dunno la i really dunno how to make u see the point... here i am ranting and ranting over it and i am not even sure if u understand wad i mean.. but now that u too have someone special to u i hope that she can help u see the light.. i dunno....

i know right now i am super blinded by this relationship.. wadever goes in the way of the relationship i'll find a second way.. a back street.. but in a relationship.. can u take a backstreet? can u find another way? when long distance is out of the question at tt.... and if u think that "gosh she's really blind" really.. i dun mind being blind longer... i dunno.. with close to 2 years.. this relationship really mean a lot to me.. so much things we've been through.. so much breakdowns we encountered.. so much tears both of us shed.. so much laughter both of us shares.. so many problems we shared... so much support one another had given.. so much things are taken and given i just cant let it go just like when i was with abraham.... i cant..... and i know why.. with the things we've went through and yet here we are.. i dont want to throw it away just because "sorry i gotta go pursue my study elsewhere coz anyway i'm a foreigner" anymore... i've been through it once and it hurts enough....

i cant even think of saying "sorry i am not coming back anymore so lets end this here" to him.. the moment tt pops up in my head (like now) my eyes just filled with tears and i have no idea why.. (u can ask beat.. she saw tt happened to me b4..)

as for shanny.. really.. i dont want her to depend on my decision.. mom already agreed some time ago that she let me have my choice... she wont be pushing me to leave sg.. she wont be asking me to go adelaide.. shanny will have her own path.. but bcoz u go and ask her what izzit tt made me suddenly wanting to stay in sg instead of thinkin to go to adelaide sparked another thing in her.... and all i gotta do now is lie and lie somemore.. ARGH! frustrating...

ok back to mom.. just becoz i went to band camp~~~~ she said i din want to go back to indo coz of band~!!! ARGH!!! why izzit that she just cant see that I HAVE A BLOODY PROJECT TO COMPLETE!!!! and its not like i am enjoying doing that bloody project!! i hate it ah!! band camp was as a matter of fact a big help to me ah! i can sleep more coz i was in school already and dont have to wake up so early to see the idiotic supervisor!!!! u guys dont know how much i've lost coz of tt final year project la k! and she just...
"band take too much of ur time" "band not important.. study first" "band is just entertainment dont get so involved" "this year is a very dangerous year for the rabbits dont stay out" "why so many band camps de?" "why everytime ban ben ban ben?"

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! really.... if she's not my mom i would've screamed my head off... haiz.. band camp is twice a year... TWICE!!!!! OUT OF A YEAR~~ TWICE!!!!!!! take up to.. most to most 8 DAYS!!!! WOW!!! SCHOOL TAKE MONTHS LE!!!! SCHOOL TAKE DAYS LE!!!! and as if tt's not enough my holidaes are taken by projects... dont believe it?? CALL THE BLOODY POLY!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and its not like once i leave sg i'll stop attending band.. think even if i go adelaide i'll find one band and join ah! seriously.. she said that the way i think is a laid back kind of thinking (coz i said band is part of me too) and i wanted to say.. yea u guys have the old people kind of thinking...

sometimes.. i just want them to see everything through my eyes!! through my shoes!! they were the one who sent me out here.. they were the one who asked me to study here.. i go back once in a year coz i dont see the point in going back for a WEEK! i dont see the point of going back in june.. all i know is tt i go back to indo on decs!!!!! tts alwaes the happenings anywae... WHEN WAWAN GO BACK INDO~~ DOESNT MEAN I HAVE TO!!! geesh!!!! the 2 of us lead a totally different life now la k?? he's not the wawan that i used to be clinging to anymore can?? i am not the girl who used to be his shadow everywhere he go anymore can??? he go back indo fine.. i stay here coz i have things to do!!!!!!!! ARGH!!! i think i am seriously go nuts.. why cant they just see it??? i know why she want me to go back so anxiously... coz she wanna spend time with us.. i know... i know she is partly guilty for sending us out... i know.. i know... i understand how she feels.. darn it i know how daddy feels also la but really...do they understand how i feel when they said band is nothing but entertainment? when they said band shld be nothing but an extra in my life??? do they know how it feel when u are so dedicated with something and yet u are forcefully taken apart from it?? do they know how it feel when someone look down on the things u love doing?? do they know how it feels when they look down and disapprove of something or someone who have shaped ur life?? (for instance kor's church or ian.. my band or friends and han) do they know how it feels when u said "oh i like this guy" and they'll go "study first" "eee so ugly" "oh he very chiong with u" "no chin" "eee so fat" "not that well to do" "he's gonna be very hard on u" "he got attitude problem" "look so old" "age doesnt match" etc etc etc WHAT THE HECK DO THEY ACTUALLY KNOW????????? they say they want the best for us.. but how can they know wads the best when they are not us? how does it feel.. when something/someone u hold dear is being taken away when there's no way out? they are our parents.. they said they understand how we feel.. to a certain extent.. yea i think so.. but not too far.. coz i know they've never been through it.. us kids have more fun than them and so dont know the roughness of life.. us kids had more than just "born.. grown up.. study.. work.. die"... we have fun.. we have something else they din go through... and i know if they think we are so unruly and different from them hence we're "uncontrolled" but really... i just wish they can see things through my eyes.. through my shoes....

she told the story ... 00:17